Park & Relieve Yourself

After months of public outcry regarding Cornwall Council’s decision to no longer fund the vast majority of public toilets, today a low-budget solution has been announced by Cornwall Council’s Leader, Don Bollard.

“We’ve listened to the hundreds of complaints from members of the public,” Mr Bollard said in a press release published to the council’s website. “I’m pleased to be able to provide what we feel delivers an efficient and sustainable solution to what has been an unfortunate outcome to the millions of pounds of cost-cutting measures by the government.”

Mr Bollard explains in the statement that Cornwall Council will soon be launching a new scheme called “Park & Relieve Yourself”. All Council owned car parks are to be fitted with a dispensing machine which will provide a free “Pee for Life” Cornish urinal to everyone who purchases a ticket of at least an hour’s stay.

“The popularity of quality made bags in supermarkets has shown that everyone values something that is not only useful but can be reused multiple times,” added Mr Bollard. “The Pee For Life urinal not only looks desirable but has enough capacity to satisfactorily fulfil any unexpected mishaps.”

Decorated with the Cornish Flag and Council logo, the urinal can be collected by pressing the ‘Relieve me’ button on the dispenser, which can only be successfully used when at least an hour’s parking ticket has been purchased. Also available within the urinal will be sturdy ‘Pooper Job’ bag which, as Mr Bollard explains “Isn’t for life, but instead only for one-off usage”.

Recognising that privacy to discreetly use these new relieving items is a basic human right, the statement goes on to explain that all car parks will be equipped with several 4ft high evergreen bushes in strategic locations for the public to use to their advantage. Mr Bollard admits that this “isn’t the best solution” but that this methodology was “perfectly suitable in years gone by”.

The statement goes on to explain that the expensive £20,000 dispensing machines the council purchased do not have room for extra luxurious provisions. “We’ve kitted out the dispensers to help aide the most common usage scenarios by the public,” explained Mr Bollard “But there wasn’t room for everything. We hope that visitors and locals alike will be kind enough to think ahead to their visits around the county and bring their own loo roll with them.”

A leaflet will be distributed to all households in the next few weeks outlining the changes to council car parks with the additional benefit that the leaflet can be reused with the ‘Pooper Job’ bags. People are reminded that both bag and paper can be dispensed off in any council bin. Female adaptors for the urinals can also be picked up at any one-stop shop.

These changes have created mixed views on various social media outlets. The following comments on twitter reflect some of the negative reactions:

But not all comments were negative …